Why I no longer BUY Jamaican food...

Why I no longer buy Jamaican food….

First of all, let me put this on record.  I love Jamaican food.  I love my Jamaican brothers and sisters, they know that, and I know that. Usain Bolt, who doesn't love Usain. My homeboy Celebrity Supa, got mad love homie!.... Not so much a fan of reggae music, but WTF, most of my people know that too.  I hate the idea of a personal boycott against a style of food, so delicious that it only finishes a narrow second place behind my own national food (Nigerian) in my opinion. 

3 Things about Jamaica I love!
Food: Good God the food is delicious! Curry Goat cooked right taste like a bit of heaven on plate, served with with plantain.	Levi: A shining example for all aspiring Jamaican Restaurateurs. Business savvy and serves food with a smile. Try it(it doesn't hurt)!	Usain Bolt: Breaks the 100 & 200 meter world records and looks like he don't give a damn! What a flippin G!

I once tasted a plate of Jamaican Curry Goat, so friggin’ delicious that my eye’s watered… (either that, or I was weeping tears of happiness and delight.)  On another occasion I once travelled to Notting Hill on Carnival Monday evening for the sole purpose of devouring a piece of barbeque chicken (I was not disappointed).  Either which way, Jamaican food is NOT to be taken lightly, so it comes with great heartache that I announce this divorce.  I weep at the idea that on a busy cold winter’s day I can no longer draw for a take-away Salt Fish patty, the crème de la crème of pastry snacks, but alas, I have listed 3 reasons why I cannot and must not indulge in the purchase of “mmmm… hot Jamaican take food”… *salivating whilst speaking with a Homer Simpson tone*:

Reason 1: Customer Service

I could explain what bad customer service is, but its better I illustrate it…

Person A walks into his local Jamaican restaurant and tries his very best to make himself noticeable without being rude.  The Jamaican Assistant of the Restaurant (who we will abbreviate to JAR henceforth) is in the back, obviously doing something of greater importance than serving the customer who has just walked in, and so chooses to ignore him, or make a point that she is too busy to serve him…

…After a wait of 3-6 mins, person A decides to take the risk of angering JAR by beckoning for her attention to the counter….

Person A: Excuse me Kind Madam
JAR: pssssssssssssttttuuuuuuuu *kisses teeth*
Person A: Excuse me Kind…
JAR: Whayawant?!
Person A: Ah, erm, may I h…
JAR: Hurry up nah…
Person A: Indeed, may I have a plate of your finest Jerk Chicken with Rice and Peas.
JAR: We out.
Person A: of peas?
JAR: No, we ‘ave no Jerk Chicken.
Person A: But its 8 o clock, and you don’t close until 11?
JAR: Jerk Chickens’ the most poular dish.
Person A: So then shouldn’t you have more of….
JAR: ….look, you wan’ curry instead?
Person A: ‘erm, ok, sure, can I have a plate of Curry Chicken with Rice and…
JAR: ….I said we out
Person A: of what?
JAR: Chicken. We ‘ave curry goat, you wan’ goat?
Person A: No, I don’t eat red meat. So if you’re out of chicken I guess…
JAR: we have barbecue chicken.
Person A: You just said, you’re out of Chicken.
JAR: Yes, Jerk and Curry, them dishes go fas’… we ‘ave some barbecue still.
Person A: Sure, can I have some Barbecue chicken with Rice and Peas.

At this point JAR walks into the back of the restaurant to the chef’s area, person A hears a scraping sound which he hopes is not the pot bottom remains of Barbecue… to his luck, it’s the pot bottom remains of rice and peas.

JAR: What ‘side ya want?
Person A: Could I have Coleslaw please?
JAR: We out.
Person A: But your only options are Coleslaw or Salad.
JAR: Yes, like I said, what!  Side ya want?
Person A: Oh, I misunderstood. Yes,  I want side.
JAR: We ‘ave no tomato…. You can have jus’ lettuce.

I think I’ll finish that sketch there as you get the idea. There’s no reason why any human being should have to withstand such poor customer service.  I mean, how the hell you running out of food 3 hours before closing time and calling yourself a serious business, then you’re forcing hungry black folk to buy dishes that they don’t even like.  I once walked into a Jamaican Restaurant for a Jerk Chicken and Rice, and walked out confused with a Fried dumpling and Saltfish, thinking “WTF just happened there??”


Delicious, but no what I wanted! Cook more food or buy more stock you cheap lazy bastard!

Fried Plantain. A personal favourite of mine... but don't hate me becuase I pronounce it the way its spelt.

Reason 2: Lack of Consistency

I can no longer run the 1 in 4 chance gamble of my dish tasting like reheated crap.  Don’t get it twisted, cooked fresh, nothing touches Curry Goat with Rice and Peas, but how is it that the same restaurant that will serve you the BADDEST dish on one day will give you a plate of crap in the same week that bares the same name? What would Levi say?

Reason 3: Customer Service ...again

OK, I know Customer Service was reason 1.  It’s not a typo… only in the case of Jamaican food will you find customer service coming up twice in one complaint.  Maybe it’s just me, but I just don’t think it’s acceptable to have to wait for 30 minutes for a take away dish to be prepared. I also dont know why I'm being made to feel that the shop is doing me a favour by preparing my food, WHEN I'M PAYING GOOD MONEY FOR IT!

On a separate note, I once ordered a delivery of Jamaican food from a shop in Hayes when visiting some family members, after waiting over 2 hours for the food to arrive we decided to call them and ask why the food hadn’t been delivered yet, they said that they had an even larger order come in AFTER ours, and that our food would be delivered in any hour!  I responded, who the hell wants to eat food at 11:45pm!

On another occasion, I was in Walthamstow one Saturday, and I ordered a Saltfish Patty, my personal favourite snack in the whole world.  I left the shop happily clapping my patty humming some praise and worship song I had stuck in my head… got about half way through the patty and realised that my tongue hadn’t experienced any fish yet!  I walked back to the shop, calmly explained their mistake to them, expecting a saltfish patty and an apology.
“Sorry, we can’t give you a saltfish patty, you’ve already eaten that one”
“I’ve only eaten half of it, and if it makes you feel better, you can have the other half back”
“Sorry, but we can’t give you another patty”
“But, its YOUR mistake”
“I’ll give you half a patty”
“And what will you do with the other half? Look, just give me a refund and done!”
“I’ll give you half a refund, you’ve eaten the other half”
Cha, so I walked out with my 60p refund vex as f**k! (excuse the expletives).

Now, don’t get it twisted, normally I would’ve kicked up a fuss, probably even dashed the half a patty in her feisty boat, but I was in a foreign land, and for all I know that 6’6” dreadlock dude calmly eating his lunch could have been her uncle, and man ain’t looking to get blast up over a frickin’ patty.  But that experience helped me to make this difficult choice of boycotting Jamaican Restaurants, for my own health and Sanity.

The Jamaican patty, my strength and my weakness....

OK, OK, I know that right now, I’m generalising. There are the few scatterings of Jamaican Restaurateurs who actually give a **** what their customers think, but with a 90% possibility of leaving the take-away vex, late and possibly unsatisfied, the odds are all too much for me to risk.  My boycott so far has lasted some 2 years… I don’t know how much longer I can hold out for, but with my army of Jamaican friends and family growing on a daily basis I actually have avenues to experience the culinary delights of Jerk and Barbecue without having to put up with the shit that passes for service in Jamaican take-aways…

(Tyf) Daimo out.... Blaq Gold